I was 23 and brimming with post college insecurity. A job running the youth ministry at a
church in Carlsbad had brought me from Oregon to San Diego.
I woke up with a feeling of dread in the pit of my
stomach. In preparation for the
meeting I put on my most masculine outfit, a large yellow tee shirt and baggy
blue shorts, pulled my hair back and slipped on some strappy sandals, not the
cute kind, the kind worn for river rafting. My hope was to blend in and any amount of femininity might
hinder that goal.
The room in the Ralph's shopping center was dark; as my eyes
adjusted about 25 men came into view.
Butterflies danced in my stomach and I contemplated turning around,
making up an excuse, and getting out of the boys club. Before I had a moment for action a
gruff voice boomed above the quiet conversations. “Hey guys we have a lady with us now so keep it clean
ok.” The tension was broken, I
wasn't too worried about the guys in the Youth Pastors network being dirty, but
the blatant call out dissipated the awkwardness of being the only woman in the
room. The short burly man yelled
out to me again, “We are ready to eat, why don't you pray for us.”
In line for food I learned that the loud voice belonged to
Bear. Over lunch we talked about
God, youth ministry, our families and lots of other stuff. Bear's candor was a breath of fresh
air. During that season I was sinking
in ministry stress but didn't have anyone outside my job to confide in. Bear offered to talk me out to lunch
and mentor me. I gladly took him
up on the offer!
We would meet and talk about everything. He loved the fact that I threw shot put
and was strong. Bear told me how
he coached football for his sons and about his beautiful daughters and amazing
wife. He reminded me that I was
marryable, something I struggled to believe and needed to hear from a man. As I fought through a dark season with
God and the Church, Bear gave me the gift of a safe space where messiness was
accepted. When we sat together it
was ok not to be ok. The God Bear
loved was big enough for my imperfections.
One day as we were talking at Panera he asked, “Morgan, what do you do for fun?”
“Well, um, I, um… just started going to a Young Adults Bible
study.” I realized even in my
answer that my life was consumed with the ministry I ran.
“Bible Study doesn't count,” He retorted so loud that a few
old ladies eating near us turned their heads. “You need some off time or you are going to burn your self
out. I try to take time every week
to turn off. Sometimes I go to the
base and go shooting, it's just me and the gun, it's not possible to think
about anything else when focusing everything on that target. Sometimes I go to movies by my
self. I sit in the back row and
turn the outside world off for two hours.
You need to find your gun.”
“I guess I could play volleyball, I love focusing on the
game and can loose my self in the play.”
After that lunch I started playing Volleyball again and
having that outlet was my saving grace during that season. It provided weekly respite where I could
emotionally turn off.
Through out the years I always loved seeing Bear. I ended up getting a job at North Coast
Calvary Chapel where Bear worked. His
boldness was inspiring, his presence an encouragement and his comedic timing
genus.
One day the staff was praying for me before a Swaziland
trip. As he prayed he prophesied,
“Morgan, this thing you are doing, when you are thirty it's going to be a
movement.” I turned thirty in
August and in light of stepping out into full time missions, I'm excited to see
what God was showing Bear when he prayed that.
Finding out that Bear died last week was devastating. I still feel like I'm going to see him
shuffle into staff devotions or burst into our office and say something
hilariously inappropriate. He
lived full out, boldly proclaiming the gospel, making the most of every
moment. On Friday I went to the
beach and as I was praying for Bear's family, I saw an image of Bear as he
entered Heaven. He didn't enter
quietly but instead let out an eardrum shattering, Braveheart style yell with
his arms thrust in the air.
As we finished praying I knew it was time to step out into
missions but I wasn't sure how.
My stomach was filled with intense butterflies; excitement, fear, joy
and freedom all surged through me.
I'm a control freak!
Embracing something so out of my control both scared and exhilarated
me.
I see lots of people involved in missions who are
comfortable living a more go with the flow life; they are chill to let God lead
and seem to almost float from one place to the next. I'm not that person!
I like comfort and control.
My pride is fed by providing for my self and trusting others is a
constant battle.
Through out the next week I kept praying, “Ok God, if this
is from you show me how to move forward into it.” God threw the doors open. The decision to step out filled me with joy. Wise people in my life confirmed
it. It was time!
I begin by talking to a group of amazing mentors. During one of those
meetings Caroline McGraw and I started talking about Steps Over Swaziland. Caroline has been doing amazing things
in Swaziland, which is where we met even though we both live in San Diego,
crazy.
Inspired by Martin Luther King Jr., last year Caroline led a
group on a 122 mile walk across Swaziland. The first ever Steps Over Swaziland (S.O.S.) trip. They ministered at Care Points and even
started the walk in Nsoko, my favorite place. Adventures in Missions provided the logistics for the trip
and they partnered with NGO's that addressed a variety of needs in Swazi. Now through Liquid Worldwide they are
releasing an incredible documentary about Swaziland www.nnlfilm.com. (I love this project and have written about it in past
blogs http://morganmckeown.theworldrace.org/?filename=the-state-of-my-life-address.)
While Caroline and I talked she asked me, “If you could do
anything what would you do?”
I answered, “I love to disciple people through
missions. I love connecting teams
with what God is doing in the world and leading others in transformational
experiences.”
Caroline smiled as I spoke and responded, “Morgan, I didn't
plan on saying this today, but as things are growing we have been praying for
someone to direct Steps Over Swaziland and lead people on these trips. Why don't you take some time and pray
about coming onboard.”
During the next few weeks God put everything in line. I would go on staff and fundraise under
the umbrella of Adventures in Missions and my role would be to direct S.O.S. Right now I'm finishing up my work with
the Junior High students at NCCC, June 2nd/3rd is my last
weekend. I wanted the honor of
seeing the 8th graders transition into High School! After going to Swaziland this summer
I'll officially take over directing S.O.S.
So this summer I'm walking 122 miles across Swaziland, which
is why I'm spending my days power walking like a mom on Starbucks. This season is crazy. The damn is broken and things are
rushing forward.
I need to raise prayer and monthly financial support in order to do this. If you want to be a part of that ministry...
Click the "Support Me!" link on the left side of this blog. Go to "Staff Support" on the drop down menu. Decide the amount you would like to give monthly.
Eight miles today!
Woohoo! Walking not
running, but I did run up and down all the stairs on the Carlsbad beach pathway. Twelve days ago when I started training
it was six. Two more miles might
not seem like a lot but how I felt doing those miles was an encouraging
difference.
So why am I walking like a crazy woman? The answer is long. It sums up the last six months of
wrestling with God about my future, includes a difficult and beautiful career
change, and a trip to my beloved Swaziland.
Rewind six months.
I was just finishing another intense youth ministry summer. My energy was sapped in a good way:
camp was a blast, students grew in their relationships with God, Fill-A-Belly
was sustainable, and I was enjoying the students and leaders I got to work
with. In early September I took a
week and went to Oregon to visit my family. Something about slowing down and being away gave me the
ability to see my life from a different perspective. This might sound weird, but I knew at that point God was
releasing me from my job at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
I confided in Brian Day my direct boss and with his blessing
started applying for other youth ministry jobs. I became a finalist at a few different churches and went
through grueling, months long, interview processes. None of the jobs were right for me, and the idea of starting
again with another youth ministry sounded disparaging, but I was still
incredibly bummed when God shut those doors.
Overall I felt stuck, like my life was trapped behind a huge
dam. In desperation I was trying
everything I could possibly do to break through. I tried to get a new job, I tried (and I'm not xo proud of
admitting this) dating a few not so great for me guys. My thinking was if I just found the right
guy to marry that would break the gargantuan, rock solid, dam I kept hitting my
head on.
I have to admit that more then once I put on the song “Close
Every Door to Me,” from Joseph and the
Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, curled up under the covers, and cried my
eyes out. As my behavior
illustrates, I like super sappy music when I'm sad. Being in the place of knowing I was supposed to move forward
in my life but not seeing doors open was crushing. God used the time to bring me to the end of my self. My prayer went from, “God give me
________ job or ________ ministry,” to “God what ever you want as long as we
are moving forward together.”
In January, after months of searching, I met with Clydeen an
amazingly gifted woman to pray together and listen to God. At one point she asked God, “What's
this dam Morgan keeps hitting about?”
I knew the answer the moment she asked the question. God clearly showed me that the dam
holding me back was fear, especially the fear of not being financially secure.
I had told God (which never works well=) ) I would do
anything with the exception of going into missions and raising financial
support. I've known since twelve
years old that I was called to be a missionary. Here I was preaching every week to my Junior High students
about surrendering your life completely to God and I was terrified to do the
same. About a million negative
things that anyone could possibly say or think about me going into full time missions
ran through my head.
I was scared to leave what had become comfortable, but the
thought of living my life stuck and being disobedient to my calling terrified
me. During that prayer session I was
sure my time in youth ministry was closing and a new season was opening before
me. At that point I didn't have
all the details figured out, but for the first time in months I was at peace
and moving forward.
A quiet hour…well
40 minutes now.I just got sidetracked on Facebook's
newsfeed for 20 minutes, oops.The
rain is pouring down, my dogs are snuggled on my lap completely cutting off
circulation to my right leg, having a 90-pound lap dog will do that. I'm grateful for an excuse to sit for a
moment.Last night was incredible
but I'm tired today and a moment to be still between work at the church and
tutoring is just what I need.
Last night the Junior High students at North Coast Calvary
(the church I work at) got to come to Fill-A-Belly.I was excited for the students I love to experience
F.A.B.It was also awesome to have
something better to do on Valentines Day then focus on the romantic black hole
in my life.
From the moment the students arrived they jumped in!Some helped serve dinner, others sorted
bread, and they all started talking with our guests.The night was awesome!I loved seeing two huge parts of my life come together. At the beginning of February, I got to
speak to the Junior Highers and encourage the students to focus on others
instead of themselves; especially during Valentines a holiday that can easily
become about commercialized romance or singles awareness.
This morning I got on Facebook and saw what Joe Curran, one
of the students who was there last night, posted after attending Fill-A-Belly…
Well if you
think about it, Valentines day Is a very selfish holiday. Its all about how YOU
got that cute present or how YOU will always be alone. So today since I decided
to instead of thinking about me and doing what I want to do(sorry coke) I went
and helped feed the homeless. I had a super fun time serving them and enjoin g
conversations between them. I realized that they are people too! One of... the
homeless guys that was there was telling me that they there not homeless there
just houseless. It's amazing how they have nothing yet, they have everything
because they have love, relationships, Jesus, and hope. So next valentines
instead of going on a romantic date that's all about you, I challenge you to
help others, take time out of your busy schedule, and do something selfless
instead of selfish. Thanks for the experience Morgan!!!" with Morgan
McKeown.
I couldn't help but let a few happy tears escape.Yep I'm a complete sap!Moments like these where students
really “get it” are such a precious gift.I love empowering people in missions and am so grateful to work with
such incredible students.
Then I
saw this post from a student's Dad…
Sara had a
great time tonight. She wants to go again soon, and she doesn't necessarily
want to wait for the next Looop night. Thanks for doing that fantastic ministry!!
Talk about encouragement!
Well it's 4:59… I have to make my tutoring call in 1 min…
reflection moment is over… time to get back to work.
Fill-A-Belly made the front page of the North County Times today. Honestly, I can't decide if I like it or I don't. It brings us lots of publicity which hopefully will lead to more people caring about the homeless in our community. At the same time this brings controversy out of the woodwork and those who are against feeding the homeless seem to LOVE making ill-informed comments about what we are doing.
With all this happening both Molly and I have felt a lot of spiritual attack and could seriously use your prayers for us personally as well as for Fill-A-Belly.
Check out this sweet article and video on Fill-A-Belly put together by Judy Chauncey of the Carlsbad Patch.
"In the cool winter air at Carlsbad's Holiday park, a dinner is about to
begin. The lamplight shines just enough on a table full of food as folks
from the streets gather for this weekly event...."
This weekend Molly had an incredible
experience that we are so excited to share! She was at an event in
Oceanside when one of our former Fill-A-Belly guests who we haven't seen
in a few months came up and gave her a huge hug.
Three months ago this man, who I'll
call Ron, was an addicted to alcohol and living on the streets in
Carlsbad. He would often come to Fill-A-Belly and cry about how he had
no hope of turning his life around. One of our volunteers, a recently
recovering addict, took Ron under his wing and they built a strong
friendship. The volunteer took it upon him self to get Ron into
recovery, found a facility with openings and even escorted Ron there.
When Molly saw Ron this weekend she
found out that he is still in recovery and doing great! He was full of
joy, looked super healthy, and is now leading worship services for his church. What a testimony to the power of the
relationships that are built at Fill-A-Belly! That's why we keep
pressing on!!!
P.S. The picture above is just for illustration, it's not of the people in the story!
Written 10/4/10 â€" It just took me a little while to get
around to posting =).
I'm in my living room, cuddled up with my dogs, enjoying a rainy
day. Yep, I've been living in
California long enough to love rain again. After being raised in Portland, Oregon I never though this
day would come.
I'm tired today, it was a long, crazy weekend but now I'm
the good kind of tired that only happens after spending your energy on
something significant.
A few months ago I wrote a blog titled “Dangerous Honesty,”
about how I felt like everything in my life was at a stand still or had fallen
apart. I debated posting the blog
for a long time. It's healthy to
keep some things locked away in my journal. Finally I chose to error on the side of disclosure. In my opinion it's not fair or truthful
to only blog about ministry “successes,” if those even exist.
After a slew of comments, e-mails and phone calls, I
realized a lot of incredible people were there to support me and many of my
friends were feeling similarly about their lives. I also realized more people than I though still read my blog =).
New Job
A lot has changed
in the last two months. I've moved
into a new position at work, one that gives me much more joy and uses more of my gifting. I'm now junior high associate director,
which means I work directly with the students. This weekend we were on a camping trip in the mountains,
which was beautiful. I love how
Brian Day our junior high pastor runs the ministry and I enjoy the students a
lot. They are crazy, inspiring
bundles of energy with untapped ability and raw openness, all wrapped into the
awkward shell of adolescence.
Fill-A-Belly has been a roller coaster for the last few
months and finally seems to be stabilizing. In August we were officially accepted as a non-profit, which
was super exciting. Then while I
was in Africa, Fill-A-Belly was asked to leave our Carlsbad location for “zoning
violations.” Despite that, we are
still meeting in parks every week in both Carlsbad and Encinitas. We had a promising meeting with a
city official, and hopefully will be able to feed inside again soon. One thing is for sure; a little
adversity is not going to stop us from feeding the homeless in North County.
In a way this change has forced me to take my hands off the
wheel of F.A.B., and recognize God's ultimate control. I've also realized personally how much Fill-A-Belly is worth
fighting for. It's not about the
organization, or the food, it's about life changing relationships. Check out this incredible video that
Nick Abrams and Nubie Porter made about F.A.B., it reminded me again why we
keep pressing on.
Swaziland, Africa
Overall I'm amazed by how well this year's trip went and
much ministry God allowed us to do. We were able to complete many Legacy Books for parents dying of A.I.D.S.
and run Kidsgames sports ministry for the children. The highlight of my time there was seeing Thulane and Eliza
some of the kids I met in 2007. I
loved witnessing how their lives were different because of the work that has
gone on in Nsoko.
I'm super excited because Brandon Jones, one of the guys
from our N.C.C.C. Swazi team is going back to Nsoko to do long term work. Check out his blog http://web.me.com/hola2brando
for updates on what is going on in the community.
Our group got to do a Youme clothing exchange while in Swazi. Youme gives children new clothing in
exchange for their rags and then uses the old clothing to make new shirts,
which raise money for the kids!
I also got to help out a little with an incredible documentary called Never Neverland
some friends of mine are making which tells the story of what's going on today
in Swaziland. It was so much fun
to be a little part of what they are doing. Check out the trailer for their film, Never Neverland (www.nnlfilm.com)!
Thanks for being such a wonderful support! As always I would love to hear about
your life and what's going on with you!
I was 23 and brimming with post college insecurity. A job running the youth ministry at a
church in Carlsbad had brought me from Oregon to San Diego. 
Overall I felt stuck, like my life was trapped behind a huge
dam. In desperation I was trying
everything I could possibly do to break through. I tried to get a new job, I tried (and I'm not xo proud of
admitting this) dating a few not so great for me guys. My thinking was if I just found the right
guy to marry that would break the gargantuan, rock solid, dam I kept hitting my
head on. 
A quiet hour…
Well if you
think about it, Valentines day Is a very selfish holiday. Its all about how YOU
got that cute present or how YOU will always be alone. So today since I decided
to instead of thinking about me and doing what I want to do(sorry coke) I went
and helped feed the homeless. I had a super fun time serving them and enjoin g
conversations between them. I realized that they are people too! One of... the
homeless guys that was there was telling me that they there not homeless there
just houseless. It's amazing how they have nothing yet, they have everything
because they have love, relationships, Jesus, and hope. So next valentines
instead of going on a romantic date that's all about you, I challenge you to
help others, take time out of your busy schedule, and do something selfless
instead of selfish. Thanks for the experience Morgan!!!" with 
these where students
really “get it” are such a precious gift.
This weekend Molly had an incredible
experience that we are so excited to share! She was at an event in
Oceanside when one of our former Fill-A-Belly guests who we haven't seen
in a few months came up and gave her a huge hug. 
I'm in my living room, cuddled up with my dogs, enjoying a rainy
day. Yep, I've been living in
California long enough to love rain again. After being raised in Portland, Oregon I never though this
day would come. 
